Truth

I saw this tag and I just loved it.  It's wonderful and truthful.  I'm just struggling with truth these days.  I'm such an honest person and I've been dealt a hand on dishonesty and for a long long time.  I'm trying to decipher which parts of my life are fact and which are fiction.  And it makes you, correction, it has made me reclusive and without the ability to trust in too much or too many.

I'm going to confess something to you, my sisters in blogland, that really nobody else knows or probably even cares about, other than my sister, who stays worried about me these days.  I haven't been to church since February.  I can't seem to go. I know the Word.  I know it's where I need to go. I'm just too filled with pain.  And I'm not going to go and sit and cry.  And I don't want pity.  And I don't want people thinking "gosh, he's done it to her again".  And the list could go on.  I've had to leave so many churches.  I've lost so many friends.

At this point in my life, I feel as if I have the blood of Christ on trial.  I know how horrible that sounds.  I love Him with all of me.  I don't understand if He provides a way out of temptation why some people take it and others don't.   I don't understand if He makes you a new creature why my issues in the past I have to let go of and yet they are supposedly the very basis for addiction for my husband.  Why is the responsibility of a hard heart put on me? Yes, I'm allowed a way out but only if my heart is hard.  My heart is in too many pieces to be hard, soft, anything.  I can't even know why my husband married me because I've been told it was because he had a bad dream and he thought he was going to die so he married me???? I endure countless emails from these women and most days I hold to what God wants me to do.  My heart is broke for what breaks His and I do the right thing.  But not this last week.  The things that have come out of my mouth are not pleasing to God and I don't even like who I am. 

I have hurt people in my life when I have thought I was being a good wife.  It was times when my husband was sinning and they could see a change and / or they were just being godly Christian brothers and sisters and because of his sin he gave me incorrect counsel and now they are no longer a part of my life.  I find myself angry over that and it's been a long time ago.  I don't even know how to go about making all of these messes right. 

I don't even know how to be a good wife anymore.  Or a good person.  I'm trying.  If I knew how to turn off the comments, I would.  I don't want anyone to feel like I'm looking for pity or sympathy.  I'm just crying again and it won't stop.  It never stops. And so I thought if I wrote it down, maybe that would help. 1 John 1:9...yea, I know the scriptures.  I know the Lord.  And I know He isn't happy with me right now.  Maybe that's why I can't stop the tears.  I've always wanted to be pleasing to Him.  And I've failed.

I was just going to write that I can't end this on a positive note, that I don't have it in me when the doorbell rang and it was my sister bringing me over lunch to make sure I ate something.  I know God is good.  I just have to remember and hold fast.